When a Pump Fails

I just have to share a dog park experience with you before I put the rocking chair on top of my car and drive to town. Yes, I will have the music blaring from speakers hung outside the windows playing “The Beverly Hillbillies.” I won’t disappoint you.

So here’s a question…Should I drive to the opera like that??? See column to the right.
Here’s the story. I hope you won’t mind my macabre humor here. Please just remember this story comes from someone who was raised with monkeys, after all…

DOG PARK CHRONICLE NO. 1: When a Pump Fails

It is fair to generalize that, in dog parks across America, a person may encounter a hefty cross section of  human and dog species. The local dog park is no exception.
Yesterday, as I entered the dog park with my dog and walked toward the shelter, I noticed a woman sitting, one arm draped over the back of the green bench. Apparently, she had come to give her service dog a break. She (the woman not the dog) proved to be quite chatty and knowledgeable. So chatty, in fact, that I believe I now know more about her after twenty minutes spent in her presence than I know about a lifetime spent with myself.
There was no subject about which she knew little. When I attempted to talk oh, say, about dogs, the weather, the area, her corrective personality managed to get my facts straight for me every time. Thank goodness. I had had no idea how wrong I had been about practically everything. During the course of the “conversation” I learned about where she’s from, why she’s here, who she’s with, and how long she’ll be staying, her health issues too, all without even asking! I also learned new inflections for phrases like “Mm Hm,” “I see,” and “Oh really? How interesting.” And, as if on cue, my Lamaze breathing method for childbirth from years ago kicked in. Also, in record time I developed a heightened appreciation for the amounts of snow fallen way over on yondro mountains, how wonderful the snow pack will be for our water supply come summer, over there, somewhere, anywhere but here in the moment.
So, the woman has this lovely service dog which she, in case of an emergency, trained to be super friendly with uniformed men–ambulance drivers, policemen, firemen and, by default, even UPS and mail men, a friendliness which mail and UPS men don’t appreciate when they see the dog approaching. In spite of the dog’s “impeccable” training they remain inside their trucks in a state of terror because the breed is the largest Great Pyrenees/Newfoundland mix “ever recorded since the twelfth century.” Then they lob packages into the jaws of the waiting dog,
The UPS guy has developed a tremendous aim as a result, same as the mailman. Not to mention the dog, who played catcher for the Baltimore Orioles at one point in his career.
Well, so far so good. Too much info for five minutes, though. But there was more.
Apparently the woman has had a pump installed in her head and, at any second, her head could explode. “So literally,” she explained, as I looked away feeling a tad ill, “my head could explode. At any given moment it could go off,” she said. “It could happen now!” Evidently the dog could save her from that.
I decided a protracted stay at the dog park would be, well, unsafe, so I turned to leave. As I said my goodbyes she said, “You’ll be seeing a lot of me at this dog park in future days.”
Not if her head explodes.
Wait…
Never mind.

Hunting Lions

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My legs are tall. My tail is short.

I watch my mistress. Watch watch watch.

It is time to go stalk lions now. I stalk lions in tall grass at the beach. I never find them but I always look for them. I will catch one soon. 

I wait. Wait wait wait. She cleans the kitchen after supper.

After dishes mistress calls me, “Mia Flower, Come.”

I always listen. Sometimes I play a game. Sometimes I do not come when she calls me.

I love her. She feeds me.

She walks with me at the beach. I love the beach. I love–

“Mia.” She calls again and I run to her. I love her.

It is walk time.

She scratches my ear. Right. There. Ahh.

She holds something in her hand for me to sniff. A tiny stick.

Sniff sniff sniff.

Too small for fetch. Each end of the stick has a fuzzy ball. I like balls.

Too small for catch.

Time for beach. Time for the huntress.

“QTip, Mia,” she says. 

She cleans my ear. Not too deep. Gentle mistress never hurts ears. OOH, ball on stick in ear feels good.

I love her with my eyes.

It is time for walk now. I stare at my leash on a chair. 

“See?” Mistress lets me sniff a shiny tube. She holds it tight. Brown goo comes from the tube. I sniff. Mmm. Peanut butter toothpaste.

“Toothbrush,” she says. She holds up a different stick. It is longer than a QTip. A brush at one end. I do not like the toothbrush.

Walk?

Up and down and all around.

I do not like the brush thing. I love goo.

Mistress finishes brushing my teeth. I love the tube of goo with my eyes all the way to the drawer.

It is time for walk now. I go to the leash on the chair.

She stays. 

I point to the leash with my eyes. See? See? See?

She reaches. She holds a big bottle. I know the big bottle.

I do not love the big bottle with my eyes. It is squirty.

I run away. 20170604_141412

To the window. Lions live out there. I must watch.

Mistress calls me. I do not look at her with my eyes.

Not time for walk. Four wrinkle day.

She comes to me. No.

“We must wash your ears,” she says.

I don’t think so. In my head I hunt lions in tall grass right now.

I do not like the bottle.

Mistress holds me close. I squirm. I cannot get away.

She will not hurt me. I hold still for her.

Mistress squeezes a squirt into my ear.

I do not like it. I shake my head.

Mistress rubs my ear with a towel. I love towels. OOH towels feel good. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Yes towels feel good.

She does not hurt me.

My ears are clean.

My teeth are clean. I like the goo.

Mistress holds my face in her hands. She loves me with her eyes.

“Good girl,” she says.

Mistress lets me go now.

I stay. Stay stay stay.

I stare at her. I sit tall.Tall tall tall.

She says, “Go for a walk?”

My tail is too short. It tries to shout.

“YES YES YES!”

My eyes ask, “Now?”

My eyes tell her I hunt lions.

Mistress laughs. “I will take you to hunt lions now.”

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I stalk a lion at the beach. I never find one but I always look for him. I will catch him soon.

I will catch one soon.